You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
