I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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