So drunk its hurt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
