there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I need moral support for this bender
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
