When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
