I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
