My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
