I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...