he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
