The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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