Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
