her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
