I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
