i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
