we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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