and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
