i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I party with great urgency now.
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