so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
