and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
