Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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