Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
