I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
