I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
