if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
