Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
