My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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