well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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