apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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