First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
