i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.