a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?