it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."