That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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