moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
tell me about the eggs
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
