I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
