I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
