i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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