i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
