Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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