Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
accomplished twins. life is a go
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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