so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
