The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
