I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
