Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
