2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
