he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
