Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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