In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
