that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
did i walk over a car last night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
