If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
