There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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