Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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