I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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