walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
