Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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