Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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