He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
