So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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