Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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