peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
