You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
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In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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